The Problem with the Big O

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Orgasms. Yep, you read that right.  Today, we're going to talk about orgasms.  Specifically, we're going to discuss the problems with the Big O.

Say what?!  Now you're really smoking the peace pipe.  First of all, are Christians allowed to talk about this stuff?  Secondly, you want to call it a problem?!

Haha!  Yup and yup.  To clarify, orgasms in married sex are fantastic!  Orgasms with "ole dude" that you don't want to be tethered to the rest of your life...now, that's a problem.  Here are 3 reasons why The Big O is a big problem:

  1. Orgasms make you think you currently belong with your sex partner.
  2. Orgasms don't consider whether your sex partner makes a good life partner.
  3. Orgasms don't factor in whether you really want that sex partner to be parenting your children.

1. Currently Dating

Orgasms produce an effect on your brain that is more powerful than heroine.  Essentially, you don't think straight after an orgasm.

According to Lizette Borreli, writer for Medical Daily:

During an orgasm, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex...shuts down during an orgasm. This region is considered to be the voice of reason and controls behavior. The brain of both a man and woman is said to look much like the brain of a person taking heroin during an orgasm...

A difference between the two sexes lies in the periaqueductal gray (PAG) — the part of the brain that is activated when a woman has sex. The PAG is not activated in men when they reach an orgasm. Moreover, women will experience a decrease in the amygdala and hippocampus — which help monitor fear and anxiety — during an orgasm.

So as a woman, when you lay awake processing your relationship with your partner after an orgasm, you:

  1. Aren't hearing your internal voice of reason
  2. Are going to have altered behavior
  3. Don't feel fear and anxiety

While ordinarily I have a firm anti-fear policy, if you're hooking up with someone you don't logically want to be with til death do ye part, then maybe some healthy fear would be helpful.

Without this healthy fear, you reason that you can possibly live your immediate life with that sex partner who may be the totally wrong guy for you.  He may be Mr. Wrong at the Right Time for you, or he may be Mr. Right at the Wrong Time for you.  In either equation, it's still wrong for you.

In marriage, however, I can see how God designed the female body to experience all these brain changes to release mental control and to trust our husbands fully, beginning with chemical reactions that help alter our thinking patterns.  I see how unifying the aftermath of sex can be for committed lovers.

2. Life Partner

When I was single, my biggest mental roadblock for why I didn't wait for marriage is because I didn't believe God could really give me the man I'm married to today.  I didn't think he existed.  And secondly, even if he did exist somewhere in this world, I didn't think I deserved him.  The first issue is believing God for the seemingly impossible.  I deal with that ona number of other blog posts, but let me personally attest that God can do the impossible.  The fact that He gave my husband to me is proof of God's miracles.  The fact that my husband would say the same of me is further proof.

Let me address the second issue now: Even if Mr. Right really is somewhere out there, am I worthy of such goodness?  Judging by my lineup of exes, I believed I was worthy of just okay, but not a divinely-matched life partner.  (Someone who would encourage and invest in my dreams.  Someone who would pray for me daily.  Someone who would work together with me, whether it be talking out a problem, raising children, cleaning the house, etc.  Someone who would gently and firmly correct me.  Someone who would love me for the rest of my life.)  I didn't think I was really worthy of all that.

But I was wrong.  I'm worthy.  You're worthy.  Of love.  Real, true love.

See, I propose that sexing outside of marriage is in fact not an act of love at all.  It is an act of selfishness.  We've been sold this idea that it is not only "normal" but "not wrong".  Both of those are selling you short of your worth.  In case you haven't been told lately:

You are worth the blood of Jesus on the cross.

You are far beyond normal -- you are extraordinary.  You were worth Jesus' blood.  You are a rare and precious jewel.  You are also too smart to let your decisions fall prey to the excuse of normalcy.  You are worth a lifelong commitment from a wonderful man who recognizes you as the diamond you are and treats you accordingly.

It is wrong.  Sex outside of marriage is wrong.  (See Genesis 2:24)  As someone who slept around before I met my husband, I can tell you it was and is and will be wrong.  I can tell you all the times that I cried out to God, "I'm so ashamed.  I'm humiliated.  I thought this would be the last guy I slept with for the rest of my life...and I said that last time, too."  I can tell you the feeling of heavy guilt in my stomachwhen I would wake up next to some dude I shouldn't so much have been friends with.

As a woman in a godly marriage, I can tell you the exact opposite of that becomes reality when you surrender your sexuality to God.  When He provides a real life partner who commits to you before de-robing you.  Who sees you as a jewel and is sickened to think of pleasing himself at the cost of your integrity.  Who wants only the best for you and is not only willing but asking to wait until marriage because he, too, follows the Lord.  And I can tell you I have never woken up next to my husband and had a facepalm moment of, "Can't believe I wound up here again."

3. Parenting

This may insult your intelligence, and I apologize for having to get this basic, but orgasms produce "liquids" which create a new life.  (We all have a friend who's gotten pregnant on the pill, right?)  Throughout that life, you will have a highly dependent baby, a less dependent, but more wandering toddler, a child in his/her formative years of life, and an adult then seeking wisdom to begin the procreating/family raising process all over again.  Okay, duh, we all know this, but I would assume you really dwell on these facts about as much as I did in my single days...  Which was never.  If I did, I certainly wouldn't have been tied to those shady/godless bros I dated.  (Also, terribly sorry if this breaks your pristine view of me.  You likely will not want to read any of my other posts if you've heroized me beyond human depravity.  I'm a sinner in need of a Savior like everybody else!)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but there are typically 2 scenarios of pre-marital sexual activity:

  1. Casual hook-ups
  2. Sleeping with your significant other whom you're not really ready to commit to for life

Either way, "liquids" are exchanged, and the possibility of a baby is well, a real possibility.  Imagine with me, 10 years down the road.  Your child with ole dude is 9 years old, wanting to start playing soccer or take guitar lessons.  You need $300 in equipment/fees to get him started.  Do you imagine that you talk with your (current-sex-partner-presumably-turned) spouse to figure out how to pay for that venture?  Or are you calling ole dude who skedaddled when you announced your pregnancy and he hasn't had a (legal) job in years, i.e. hasn't paid child support in years, so he says, "You figure it out.  You're the one who wanted to keep this kid."

Or even best-case-scenario, your current sex partner is a good co-parenter.  But your kid doesn't have the solid foundation of a loving home base because he can't figure out why mommy and daddy "loved" each other, but now they don't, and if they "love" him, can they just as easily not love him one day?

Heartbreaking, right?  I'm deeply sorry to have to type this, but the possibility of bringing a baby into a broken situation to start his/her life...it's a real possibility.  Heck, it's even a possibility for married people.  (Please repair your marriage before you procreate, thanks.)

When I think about my future children, I want them to know that family love is permanent.  I want my kids to know that our family love is modeled from the Word of God, which means in our home, we repent and forgive, we laugh and cry together, we never give up loving, we honor each other, and we sacrifice for each other.

So What Now?

Fine.  You agree with these 3 points.  Or at least you don't disagree with them.  Have you made a decision to be pure?  I think sexual sin is something that a lot of people slowly yet steadily stumble into.  It starts by pushing the boundary of right and wrong and eventually progresses to where you can't even see what the pure path looks like.  At least, that's how it happened for me.  It's how I became someone I couldn't even recognize with compromised morals and no sense of direction back to God.

Here's how to turn it around:

  1. Ask God to lead you.  Through prayer, through being awakened to the lie that "casual sex is normal and not wrong", through the hard road of repentance and change.
  2. Decide if you're going to follow God.  Make that decision.  A lot of professing Christians have the exact same sexual immorality issues that non-Christians have.  Promiscuity, affairs, and sexless marriages are just as rampant, and that's tragic.  Why is that?  Because we lack changed hearts.  Go back to step 1 - repentance.
  3. Stand firm.  It's funny how every time I proudly declared, "Never again will I sleep with some ole dude", ole dude would call me, "Hey girl.  Miss you.  Wanna hang?"  And I'd fall into that trap over and over again...until one day I didn't.  One day everything that I said before this sunk in deep.  I think it was the day that I looked at Russell and realized what a precious gift he is.  That he is so beyond my dreams, and God really delivered when he gave Russ to me.  And I realized that I could ruin our future by building a sex life before a real life together.  So we waited.  And honestly, it wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be.  It sickened me to hurt his integrity, so we just enjoyed real life together outside the sheets.  And it was truly one of the best decisions we made for our marriage.

Sister, I hope these words sink deep into your heart.  I hope the Holy Spirit stirs in you a longing for purity.  I hope you sense God's grace working in your life to restore and redeem your sexuality.

With love,

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Photo by the talented, delightful Marissa Nicole Photography.